How do you deal with your identity shift once you become a mum? - Stupidgirl45

Hand mirror
Hand Mirror by The Italian Voice 

Great question! It really is a powerful journey. For me it was like going out on the best night ever - Beyonce on decks, free food and drink, snogging the hottest guy there* and waking up the next day happy and hungover. And then the hangover never ends. For anyone still working through the change, here are my tips:


ACKNOWLEDGE IT If you acknowledge it you've completed the most powerful step. A lot of people go into the process of parenting thinking they'll come out exactly the same person with motherhood added to their portfolio. I confess I thought others had been exaggerating slightly on the whole life changing element of parenthood. Emigrating is life changing, bowl you over romance is life changing, a Dermologica microfoliant facial is life changing. People have children literally every day, it couldn't really be that dramatic? 


After nearly two years I am still nothing like the pre baby me. Of course there are similarities - we both hate getting up in the morning, we're both terribly clumsy and we both love a well mixed magarita but they're still different women. The pre baby you has gone. Take her to lunch in her favourite restaurant; raise a glass to her. Say goodbye. 



EMBRACE IT When I got married a few of my more feminist minded friends voiced some disapproval about the fact that I was taking my husband's last name. I had my stock answer ready - the wish for unity, my husband's established career, but in reality I just wanted the opportunity to be someone different. You see Miss Campbell was cool but Mrs Allcott? She was gonna kick butt and take names. Being able to shrug off an identity and slip on another can be so liberating. Rather than seeing motherhood as stripping you of your identity, see it as a sexy burlesque routine, revealing the amazing rhinestone covered mother you are! 


PERFECT IT New identities require some practice. You've really got to move around in it to enjoy the new skin you're in. What does Mum you wear? Not a wardobe of clothes that don't fit but chic comfortable outfits with a nod to her former style. Enjoy trawling fashion blogs to find her new look. What does she eat? Perhaps she used to grab supermarket sandwiches and now she preps big family dinners and eats leftovers for lunch. How does she spend her time? Does she bake? Does she craft? Does she take long walks? She sounds fab! I know you'll enjoy getting to know her. 



Becky This question came from the very witty Becky, who writes at Stupidgirl45. She's a great connector so make sure you stop by and say hello.

 If you have any ideas about how to deal with the identity shift that comes with parenthood please leave them in the comments. If you're a blogger and you'd like to link up with The Moderate Mum please email me at moderatemum@gmail.com

*my husband obviously! 



Let's Talk Mommy

32 comments

  1. "Rather than seeing motherhood as stripping you of your identity, see it as a sexy burlesque routine, revealing the amazing rhinestone covered mother you are! "
    I LOVE this! Thank you for this amazing answer to a question that I think all of us ask ourselves. I think I am well on my way to meeting the new me, I just need to work out what I is going to wear as I appear to be stuck a comfy uniform of jeans and dark plain tops at the minute and I think I deserve something with a bit more wow factor, and I think this post is just the kick up the bum I need!

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    1. Thank you so much! Yes you absolutely deserve some wow factor! Obviously things need to be practical, especially if you're breastfeeding but there's always somewhere you can add a little glam. The first thing I tried was adding a swipe of red lippy although this was short lived as I couldn't stop kissing the baby!

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  2. Great post! I sure as hell am not the woman I was before I had kids....but that's a good thing! I kept a hold of the good stuff but ditched the things that weren't so great.
    I am the re-defined me...A bit fatter, more tired and with vomit on my shoulder but happier than I could have thought possible. #twinklytuesday

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    1. Thank you! It's brilliant isn't it. I wrote a post on the Circus Mums blog on the ways in which I have improved with Motherhood. All that time spent reading self help and I only had to push out a sprog.

      http://circusmums.com/2015/03/better-with-baby-guest-post-from-moderate-mum/

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  3. Can't tell you how much I love this! I thought being a mother would change me for the better; I thought overnight I'd become at one with the universe, infinitely patient, caring, understanding, all that jazz. I am very different - and fine with that - but I'm not the earth mother I had hoped I'd become! So, yes, I've changed, but for the better? Hmmmm, not so sure. x

    #sharewithme

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    1. Thank you! Yes you make such an important point! Be ready for a change but you must try and let go of what that change will look like, be open to all the wonderful, crazy opportunities. I'm currently of the mindset that all change makes you better because it helps me learn and grow but I'm on my second coffee so it might be the caffiene talking... x

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  4. Great responses. I feel like I accepted my new role as a mummy quite easily. For me the difficulty lay in accepting the change in my wife and my's relationship. Trying to hang on to our romantic love if tough when I feel like we're comrades waging war as apposed to a couple dating.

    #sharewithme

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    1. The struggle is real! My housemate, sorry husband, is always trying to make sure we carve out time to be a couple. I'm sometimes guilty of viewing this as yet another thing to be organised.

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  5. Thanks for this post. Acknowledgement is so important. When we acknowledge then we can allow time for adjustment, whatever that is for each person. For me personally, I was surprised by how big a mind shift it was. I was still me (with a baby) yet so much was different including my priorities and even the way I felt about the world.

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment. Yes! The clarity about my priorities blew my mind. I let go of so much stuff I had been agonising over previously.

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  6. I think it came as a bit of a shock to me that I would be changed as a person too once I became a mum. It took a while to embrace but I feel much more confident than I was in my carefree 20s!

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    1. Yeah, I feel like I know myself better. I think that's something that can come with all challenges. One of the wasys parenthood is different is you can never pretend it didn't happen or brush it under the carpet :D

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  7. Great post - truly love this.I am not the person I was before I had children, certainly my body has transformed but I like to think having children has given me way more than it has taken away. I feel like I was supposed to do this,my way (make it up as I go along!) #sharewithme @MummyFever

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    1. Thank you so much! And virtual high five to that :)

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  8. Ha, I really like the way you look at the how you change after becoming a mum. A "sexy burlesque routine", I've never heard anyone describe it this way. I love it. I'm going to keep this in mind!

    Miep

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    1. Thank you! In fairness with some parts of motherhood it would be a REAL stretch to see it that way :)

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  9. It took me till my second child to really accept I was going to be different forever now. After the third, I'm now at the perfect stage - I particularly enjoy looking for the new Mum me style in mags and online. Great advice here.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. You may have stumbled across the first thing that would convince me to have another kid! New style each time :) x

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  10. Love this post. I think the identity shift is totally underestimated by all expecting mums...but love and totally agree with the advice here and that you can come out better and bolder than ever before as a result! #sharewithme

    http://motherhoodtherealdeal.com/

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    1. Thank you for your comment and for your take on the underestimation from pregnant mums. I think one reason behind this is a lot of mum's do a good job of putting on a brave face! I know I was less candid with a lot of my child free friends xx

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  11. A beautifully written to such a thought provoking question. I agree, we're not all the same after having a child, but I'd like to think we're the new and improved versions of ourselves. Me 2.0, if you will. We're stronger, more resilient and self-less all because of our children. And we wouldn't want it any other way. Thank you for such an inspiring post!

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment. Don't they give us such gifts!

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  12. This are some lovely words here! Its so nice to see that you are doing well with the changes. I am in it for long and just slowly adjusting to the new things =) #sharewithme

    ps. I love to read Becky's blog. Its so cool!

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  13. Cool! Thank you. Yes, Becky rocks x

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  14. Ah love this post! i struggled so much with the change, i refused to accept that i was a different persons. Why i talk in past tense i do not know, because if I'm honest i still have days where i feel like this! Some fabulous advice here tho lovey! xx

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  15. Thank you hun! Ha ha! Well you must accept because post baby you is brilliant :) x

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  16. Great post. I think i have changed so much since having kids and with each one too. I tried to ignore it at first but it's inevitable. hahaha Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

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    1. Thanks for hosting Jenny! We try to resist but it's futile :)

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  17. Three great tips for dealing with the identify shift. I love being a mum but I definitely had moments of mourning for my pre-baby self and it took a while to fully embrace the person I have now become.

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    1. Thanks Louise. So glad you've embraced the post baby you! x

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  18. I'm not sure it ever even occured to me it was an identity shift. I think it was just quite natural and I embraced it and went with it but that was near 12 years ago so I could just have rose tinted glasses now! Mich x

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    1. That's brilliant! Enjoying and embracing it is the way to go! Mind you my friend asked me about weaning today (which was a year ago) and I was blank!

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