I love this question because it's not really a question, it's a plea. A silent prayer sent up by millions of parents across the globe. I've asked it many times myself. I remember saying to my husband, in complete earnestness, 'If he just slept through the night, I could survive'. So let me start by saying, you're not alone. I know you feel alone at 3am with only 'Insanity' infomercials for company but we're here for you. You need to know that because what I say next might not be what you want to hear right now.
My friend recently asked me, her beautiful, inquisitive baby wriggling in her ams, 'When she's on solids she'll sleep right?' I made a noncommital noise and avoided eye contact because the truth is she could liquidise an eight course taster menu and be woken up all night. You want me to say he will sleep at twelve weeks or at four months (the magical four months) or at six months, definitely six months! This was my mantra. I practically counted the days, convinced that on the eve of his half anniversary he would drift into a peaceful eight hour slumber. Spoiler: He did not.
Imagine I had a crystal ball. I did once work as a psychic so I'm qualified. I look into your future and I have the answer to your question and here it is: Never. Yes, I'm afraid you have one of the few babies in the UK that will never let you have uninterrupted sleep. Ever. You will be up with him every night until he takes his last GCSE exam. If I told you that, and you believed it to be true, what would you do?
Okay, you'd cry silently for a few minutes but after that you'd get a plan together, you'd have to. You'd give up ironing and nap every day. You'd dedicate Saturdays to resting. You'd forget about cooking and buy ready meals. You'd meditate. You'd stop staying up drinking gin. You'd go to bed at 6pm. You'd ask a friend to help. You'd pay a friend to help. You'd stop putting ridiculous expectations on yourself. So do that stuff now.
Look after yourself, don't wait for your baby to look after you. He's trying to figure the world out; he can't take on your problems! Do this and one day sooner than you think, you'll be awake all night listening to his little snores and wondering what to do with yourself.
And wanna hear something crazy? I miss those late night calls. When it was just him and me and no one else would do. At 3am you're not a broken women, you're not even a mummy - you're a superhero! So even now on the occasional night that he doesn't make it through, I love that I get to run in, stroke his damp little face and think, yeah, still got it.