Last week I wrote about the things that I want and that lead me quite swiftly to thinking about the things that I want that other people already have. The majority of the time when I think of such things it's with warmth, and admiration, and totally got my sh*t together grace but from time to time and usually without warning it is with the misdirected rage also known as jealousy.
My mission this week was to accept my jealousy, in order to do that I had to examine the experience I was having when I found jealousy taking hold. My plan was to confess my jealousy to the owner of whatever attribute or virtue I was after and try and find out if I was willing to do what it took to get there...
Very quickly I realised I covet something from every single one of my friends. I'm not in the habit of making friends with people that aren't ace, so this shouldn't have come as a surprise but blurting out the things you love about people all day, every day quickly becomes creepy and borderline predatory.
I decided to put aside my jealousies about physical attributes because to be honest it was getting stupid and because I'm so inconsistent - when I'm wearing a strappy top I want small boobs, when I'm wearing something low cut I want a luscious cleavage. I put these feelings aside for a future mission on body acceptance.
Early in the week I had a huge test as I was booked to hear the blogger English Mum speak at a Three Discovery event. I knew enough about her to anticipate feelings of jealousy - she has built a wonderful career that fits in with her family, in which she calls the perfectly instagrammed shots. As soon as I met her I recognised her as what I call a rules girl - these are women who implicitly know the terms and conditions of being really cool. They know when to dress down and when to push the boat out; they know when being late is expected and when it's rude. I always felt two steps and three trends behind those girls, it took me a long time to understand that they didn't know the rules, they made them.
Anyway English Mum or Becky Wiggins is one of those girls - she was all perfect hair, soft grey jumper with just the right amount of slouch and of course beautiful blog. I braced myself...but nothing came. Not that I wasn't impressed with what I heard about how Becky had built a successful blog and business it was just didn't seem to be filling me with anything but excitement and ideas for my own!
Thinking I had cracked this envy thing I was ready to ride out the rest of the week and then a beautiful pregnancy announcement popped up on my Facebook feed and then another and then another (seriously, is there something in the water) and for some reason each one was like a punch in the gut. I'm open about the fact that I'm not sure if I want another child but I'm damn sure I don't want to be pregnant again, so it seemed odd that these images would affect me. I studied the photos and realised that in all of them I was honing in on the adoring partner, what I craved was the connection that the pregnancy journey can bring. So I made the effort. I dumped the kiddo with Gma and booked in a date night with the old man and before the starters had arrived I'd kicked the green eyed monster to the curb.
My conclusion is that jealousy feeds on inaction, the more I work towards my goals, the less energy available for feeling envious. Yes I'm going to accept my jealousy but I will treat it like an embarrassing uncle - it may be unavoidable but I'm going to keep it contained and not let it ruin my wedding (or something).
I'd love to know if anything brings out the green eyed monster in you? If you want to join MISSION ACCEPTANCE you can sign up here.
Check out the previous post for a giveaway.