It's Big Brother season again, the show where the general public watches strangers slowly descend into emotional instability. Once more a bevvy of young, beautiful people with hopes of winning the heady highs of a gossip magazine front cover are being analysed by the nation and this year two more than the others. For the joyfully uninitiated, let me enlighten you. Two of this year's contestants are Marco Pierre White Junior, son of Michelin starred chef Marco Pierre White and model Laura Carter, whose CV highlight seems to be a threesome with Justin Bieber. The two had instant and obvious sexual chemistry, and why would they not? She looks like Jessica Rabbit in human form and though he's a man child, mini Marco is hotter than a skillet on a stove. Within 48 hours Marco had sprinted past first, second and third base and the papers would have you believe he slid right into fourth. The nation was outraged and not just because we're a country of prudes but because Marco has himself a fiance in the 'outside world'. Marco explained away his antics by letting everyone know that his lady had given him a 'hall pass'. I feel a lot of sympathy for him, you see I knew that by hall pass his Mrs meant, 'I know you're going to be in a challenging situation and if you grow close to someone, I'm not going to let it ruin our relationship'; Marco interpreted hall pass as, 'SHOW ME THE P*SSY!' It was just a case of misinterpretation. So in an effort to support any other couples having frequent communication misunderstandings here's my guide (and let's face it, it's basically for dudes in relationships with us tricksy women) to what they say but what they really mean.
WHAT THEY SAY: We're seeing each other.
WHAT THEY MEAN: I like you but not enough that I'm not open to some other bit of totty hitting on me in the Co-op. If that does happen I don't want to have to negotiate the arduous task of breaking up with you and if I say we're seeing each other I can just drop you a sayanora text. Of course I like you enough that the idea of you bumping uglies with anyone else doesn't appeal to me, so I know I better show a bit of commitment.
WHAT THEY SAY: Whatever you want.
WHAT THEY MEAN: Whatever you want as long as it's clear that the thing you want is under no circumstances the thing you just said.
WHAT THEY SAY: I'm not angry, I'm just a bit disappointed
WHAT THEY MEAN: I hate you with the intensity of a thousand fiery suns. If at this very second a pride of particularly peckish lions somehow found their way to our quiet suburban home and decided that you looked like a suitably satisfying snack - I would go make popcorn.
WHAT THEY SAY: It doesn't really matter.
WHAT THEY MEAN: My life pretty much depends on it.
WHAT THEY SAY: I want to give you your space.
WHAT THEY MEAN: You have seventy five seconds to realise how frickin' awesome I am and you better spend it ordering me an 'I'm sorry I didn't realise how frickin' awesome you are' gift online.
WHAT THEY SAY: Did you take the recycling out?
WHAT THEY MEAN: I know full well you didn't take the recycling out. I could see it written all over your pathetic face the second I entered the room. There is no appropriate response to this question. The only acceptable action would be to unlock all the secrets to space and time; build a time machine; go back to the scant few hours ago when I reminded you to take out the recycling; write TAKE OUT THE RECYCLING on your head in permanent red marker and get the, frankly absurdly simple, task done. If that is not an option the best you can do is look ashamed.
WHAT THEY SAY: I'm fine.
WHAT THEY MEAN: Come on now, you don't really need me for this one...