Earlier this year I became a bit obsessed with my teeth - you wanna know what happened, I'll tell you what happened. I was eating a slice of toast made out of this particularly wonderful, chewy brown loaf that they sell at a criminally expensive health food store round the corner from me. Seriously it costs £3 for a small loaf and that works out at about 25p a slice, so you better believe I was loving the hell out of that toast when suddenly I happened upon a particularly chewy bit, a bit so chewy I was forced to spit it out (in a delicate, ladylike way) and what I found in my palm was a good chunk of one of my molars. What resulted was pure panic. I was already freaking out about aging and when your teeth start falling out of your head during a routine breakfast that's a sure sign that you're getting a bit long in the tooth. Not only that but my smile is my thing. I might have piggy eyes and a saggy tum but even though it's crooked (thanks to eleven years of thumb sucking) I have a cute smile. I know because builders thoughtfully tell me so. So obviously I hot footed it to the dentist.
My dentist is very good, if you're looking for a new practioner in Brighton. He's also a hottie. If you have any dentist fears please try getting a super hot dentist, it's a helpful distraction. Anyway he assured me I would not need dentures in the next year as long as I laid off the Skittles and flossed more but I insisted I needed to turn the clock back a few years and invested in a teeth whitening kit but it was fussy and expensive and involved going to bed with a super sexy mouth tray filled with gunk. I wanted something a bit more practical and a bit more purse friendly and then I remembered oil pulling.
I heard about oil pulling from Gwyneth Paltrow, like most people I dismiss everything Gwynnie suggests as completely impractical in a real world scenario but MY TEETH WERE FALLING OUT MY HEAD. I was desperate. The theory behind oil pulling is that you take a tablespoon of coconut oil first thing in the morning and swish it around your mouth for twenty minutes. It's supposed to have all kinds of magical detoxifying properties but I'm only in it for the teeth bit. It tastes a bit like wallpaper paste but you get used to it, now it's a regular part of my routine, I don't do it for twenty minutes because nobody has time for that but five minutes seems to do the job. I genuinely feel I have a brighter smile and cleaner mouth and I also get that smug 'I'm just like Gwyneth' feeling.
So put down that teeth whitening Groupon, you can keep your smile looking sweet with a quick trip to ASDA. Give it try you've got nothing to lose just spit that ish in the bin, you won't be smiling when you have a clogged drain.