Does anyone find themselves wondering why a partner cheats? - Tracy


Does anyone else find themselves wondering why a partner cheats and then blaming themselves? The last FOUR bf's I've had all cheated and I am now wondering if it's my fault?

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Whenever a relationship ends you find yourself wondering, was it me? My marriage has been over for some time and I still find myself getting distracted from the food shop because I'm analysing the things I said and the decisions I made, wondering if I'm living out the real-life Sliding Doors and not sure if this is the shitty life or the good one. It's natural, not always useful, but natural. We can learn from all our experiences but especially the negative ones and the end of a relationship is a good time to consider what, if anything, we would do differently. That being said, when it comes to cheating, I'm pretty hard line - the fault lies with the cheater and never the cheated. Your exes might have tried to convince you otherwise but cheaters are very often liars, so I'd probably disregard what they had to say. 

It's not you it's me is a cliche because it's true. When a person cheats it's about their choices, their insecurities, their fears - nothing you would have done could justify it. I know the things you have running through your mind because I've thought them too - I wasn't fun enough, I wasn't pretty enough. None of it is true but what if it was? That would be like firebombing your local newsagents because they gave you the wrong change. 

I can't imagine your friends and family have told you anything different, so I thought I'd try and back up my stance with some cold hard facts. Research by the organisation Trustify reveals that 55% of men are willing to admit to cheating. Let's look at that. More than half and that's the men who are willing to come clean. The odds are not in your favour. The study also examined the reasons why people cheat and to be honest, I got bored. All the reasons boiled down to one thing - they wanted escape. And who doesn't feel like that sometimes? We all feel lost or trapped or confused from time to time and some people respond to that by betraying people they love. Sadly that's life and bad luck. 

That being said four partners in a row is very bad luck and whilst I hope I've made clear that I want you to absolve yourself of any responsibility for the cheating you have experienced, I'm wondering if it's a coincidence that you've found yourself with a string of cheaters? You see, the kind of men who cheat feed on one thing - insecurity; they can smell it like sharks smell blood. A woman who doesn't completely love herself will let the little things slide, those small indiscretions that hint at the greater disrespect to come; she'll be willing to put in the other eighty when she's only getting twenty percent; she'll be accepting, so very accepting, that the wrong man will take advantage of that and she'll persevere with the wrong man because she can't quite believe that the right man is waiting around the corner. If any of this sounds familiar, I urge you to take a break before your next relationship and the only love affair you should be having right now is with yourself. 

3 Little Buttons

Confessions of a New Mummy

30 comments

  1. It is always a roller coaster. I agre with you that you need a break before beginning a new one.

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  2. It was a good read. I am very happy to be away from relationship stuff. I dont think necessary to hurt myself.

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  3. As they say-easy to form but tough to maintain. RELATIONS..
    gOOD WRITE UP.

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  4. Relationships are.not a walk in the park, it does take work from both ends so one should get into one knowing what's in store for you.

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  5. Relationships are tough, that's for sure. I personally think a partner cheats when they are being incredibly selfish. They are only thinking of themselves and their needs, which is sad.

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  6. Shame on men for all that cheating. We ladies need to be careful in relationships

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  7. This is a good read. Honestly, I don't know why people cheat. They should really think of what the others would feel.

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  8. Thats a pretty good reason to cheat as one wanted some escape! I am not sure its depend on luck or trust? Relationship need both party 100% committment.

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  9. Sorry to hear about your cheating partner, there are some good ones out there, I promise #twinklytuesday@_karendennis

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  10. This is a good read. Relationships are very hard to maintain when partner cheats.

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  11. I can not imagine being cheated on. To have the person you trust most in the world do that to you. #twinklytuesday

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  12. This is a great post. I have been through this once before, and it is hard to not blame yourself somehow.

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  13. Being cheated on must be the worst thing in the world. The person broke your trust. And you feel like it's all your fault. I get that everyone can make a mistake, but if something is wrong in the relationship, partners need to speak up before making a mistake

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  14. Oh no! Don't let those relationships taint your next, love yourself for all that you are and the man who loves you for all that too will be there for you. #DreamTeam

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  15. You could blame yourself in the sense you are picking people who don't value you enough but that's the only way it's your fault. THese things happen. The cheater may say 'It's because you did/we never blah blah' but that's just them rationalisng their shitty behaviour. They chose to cheat. To make themselves feel good, because their selfish, because they've got issues, or because they were just careless with your heart and thought they wouldn't get caught. I also believe (tho not a psyche), a lot of it is just luck. I watch solid marriages of twenty years fall apart when someone runs off with someone else. I have no idea why it happens. It just does. So luck has to be part of it. #Dreamteam

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  16. Taking a break and loving yourself more after an experience like that is definitely the way to go. Great advice.

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  17. I'm single for so many years and for those people in relationship you need to be careful for the person you love. know the person first :) and also loyalty is very important :)

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  18. I'm a firm believer that you need to take time after a relationship ends to rediscover yourself. Enjoy finding new and old things you loved to do. Definitely some self love /self care is needed.

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  19. Such a fun read. I think a partner cheats when they actually didn't love the love the person because from the that they shouldn't do it on the first place.

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  20. You're absolutely right, you need time by yourself after going through an experience like that. My sister-in-law has just come out of a bad relationship but a month later went straight into another one. My first thought was 'NOOOO!' Not so soon. But I can't tell her what to do. I just hope this guy is nicer than the last. #DreamTeam

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    1. Ooh yes,so frustrating when you have to bite your tongue

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  21. We were just recently talking about this issue with my girlfriend. Both of us cannot accept the fact that this is really happening. Cheating is such a no no for us.

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  22. Cheaters must take responsibility for their own action. It's not fair to blame oneself when the other person cheat. Love yourself first and love would eventually find you.

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  23. Oh no... I'm sorry to hear you have had a tough time with cheating partners in the past. There is no excuse at all, but stuff does happen sometimes and there's not a lot that can be done. Either forgive or tell them where to go. The call has to be yours. There are definitely lots and LOTS of good, honest, decent men out there though... so don't give up on them :-) Thank you for joining us for the #dreamteam xx

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  24. It's all about the choices one makes. I am terribly sorry for the misfortune you had with relationships. But you are right, taking a break to heal and find yourself again is important before entering another relationship #twinklytuesday

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  25. Ugh cheating. I moved to Spain from the United States two years ago, and it seems to me like lots of guys cheat here. It's not fun at all.

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  26. I have to challenge a couple of stats here - the article you reference does not say that 55% of men cheat. That's a gross misrepresentation. It says that of those respondents who cheated, 55% admit to cheating with more than 5 partners.

    This is important because cheaters can be serial cheaters, but it is not true to say that more than half of all men will cheat.

    In fact, it shows that even with no consequences more than half of men would NOT cheat.

    Those who do should certainly be responsible for their actions, although I know from experience - and as is stated in the article - that many cheat because they are seeking more attention.

    Whose fault is it? Both of you. The cheater should break off the relationship rather than cheat, and BOTH of you need to work more of your communication skills to avoid the situation in the first place.

    A lot of this I think stems from the desire to appear to be in a perfect relationship even when not - to have an Insta-perfect life - rather than admit we're not getting or giving what we want and starting over.

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  27. Don't blame yourself for someone else's actions. I think its worth taking time out between relationships, to reassess etc. Thanks for linking up #twinklytuesday

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  28. One need to be very careful in a relationship. I am totally agree with you on this point a person cheats it's about their choices, their insecurities, their fears - nothing you would have done could justify it.

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