Fear is a f***boy


Over the weekend I spoke at Wildfire Women and I'm still overflowing with sisterly love. Head over to the community if you want some of your own. Here is an abridged version of the talk I gave, Fear is a f**kboy.

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Fear is too petty to let get in the way of your goals. Fear is not valuable enough to rob you of joy. You need to ghost fear because fear is a f**kboy. 

For the uninitiated, I'll explain what a f**boy is. There's these men and they have a goal and they sense that if they offer enough affection and affirmation they will reach that goal and if they cannot offer this genuinely, they will lie. To be clear the goal is to get their leg over and after they achieve this, they run and hide like a child. 

F**k: The act of false intimacy 
Boy: Acknowledgement of the pre-adolescent behaviour that follows. 

I was unlucky enough to encounter some of these specimens when I started dating a couple of years ago but very quickly eliminated them from my rotation because they didn't feed me spiritually or practically (They don't buy dinner.) Similarly, I feel that fear has outgrown its usefulness. It used to serve the practical purpose of protecting us from actual physical harm; you're not going to get eaten on the high street, so we need to stop being scared. 

Some of you may be thinking, fear is my friend, fear motivates me - that's some f**kboy shit right there. That's fear saying, you need me, you're better with me, don't give up on me. But make no mistakes, fear will trash your opportunities and when you're home watching XFactor, scraping the cream out of Bourbons, it's nowhere to be seen. You're left with his buddies regret, disappointment and shame. 

How is fear like a f**kboy? 
1) It's seductive. It offers support and protection but it's all lies
2) It doesn't care what you want. It only thinks about feeding itself. It doesn't give a toss that you want to make more money or have a better relationship or ask for help. 
3) Your friends know fear is no good for you. They'll tell you not to listen to it, that you can achieve your goals but later when you're alone together, fear will tell you they're all lying. 
4) It's shameless. It will mess up your life and come right back to your door like nothing happened. 

How to block fear's number
1) Fear crumbles under scrutiny. Sit and have a face to face with your fear; ask it how it's last relationship ended. You'll soon learn it's not the one for you. 
2) Fear hates openness. It wants you to have a seedy, secret  little relationship. Talk about your fear with those you trust and it will lose its power
3) Don't follow fear on social media. Have a detox from accounts and people who reinforce your negative beliefs. 
4) Set fear small tests. Before you let fear mess up your big goals, set it small challenges. It will give you practice for pushing it aside when you need to. 

I know this because over the last couple of years, I've tried to kick fear to the curb. When I started my novel fear said, you can't write. And I deleted fears email. When I applied for WriteNow fear said, everyone will laugh. And I erased fears voicemail. When I was offered a publishing contract fear said, who do you think you are? And I said, piss off fear. 

Fear still bells me. Usually in the middle of the night and I answer because I'm sleepy and it calls from a withheld number. I listen for a minute and then take a deep breath and say, 'Fear, you need to stop calling me. I'm seeing hope now and it's getting serious.' 

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25 comments

  1. Wow, this is an interesting comparison. They say fear makes the wolf bigger than he is, and the only way to not be devoured by it is to conquer it head on.

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  2. Fear hates openness really stuck out to me!! I think if more people talked to the ones they trust we would all benefit. Well written!

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  3. I love this. I've been putting some things off because of fear but I'm slowly working on conquering it.

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  4. Ha! I've never heard that term before, so thanks for explaining it! Fear is such a powerful emotion and I try to fight it off.

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  5. I love your take on this, you're absolutely spot on!

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  6. I love the way you describe this. It makes it sound so much more empowering to escape fear!

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  7. wow what a powerful post and statement.

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  8. Yes! It reminds me of the John Cale song "Fear is Man's Best Friend" Eff this Fear!

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  9. Yes ! i've been grabbing fear by the horns this year.

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  10. Such a powerful post. ng I need to remember every single day! It shows how fear are being formed in our daily living.

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  11. So right, fear is nasty, and snide, and sneaky ... jabbing away. Has to be faced up to and dismissed. Great post #DreamTeam

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  12. This is an amazing comparison! And great tips on how to stop feeling scared :)

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  13. Omg this is definitely the best comparison. I LOVE this. Thanks for sharing!

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  14. Trust me I have been laughing all the time I read it. You were very selective and playful with your words that made it awesome.

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  15. This is such a wonderful analogy. Fear dwells in the immature psyche of mankind, and you make great points about having an open dialogue with fear and how to minimize it. Bravo!

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  16. This is a wonderful post as fear stops a lot of us from growth. Having a face to face with fear is great advise, as fear is a liar!

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  17. Don't follow fear on social media really stuck out to me. I think sometimes we underestimate how much what we surround ourselves with affects us.

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  18. I sometimes let fear get into me. After reading your post I just got a new tool. Love it and you made me laugh.

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  19. Being honest with ourselves about our capabilities & limitations take most of the fear away. It makes us more aware of what the possible outcomes might be & so be prepared for it...detoxing our life of negative people is a strong message & works really well on many levels.
    - Nandita

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  20. Wow, I have never before heard it described like this. I love how you have expanded on this topic. Very interesting.

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  21. Geraline Batarra10 October 2018 at 03:04

    Fears always affects our lives in so many ways and as long as fears are always there it will continue to mess up our lives and thank you for sharing your thoughts about it, it such a big help most especially for me.

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  22. Fear is tricky. It can be one of the most well hidden emotions we feel deep within ourselves but we aren't really sure what's causing it! This is a great look into fear and I appreciate your views on the subject!

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  23. I often think fear is only exist in my mind... so i am the only one who can get rid of it. :)

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  24. This post is like no other I've read. I loved reading it so much. This is purely the perfect personification of fear. Great post!

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  25. 'Fear, you need to stop calling me. I'm seeing hope now and it's getting serious.' I love this line... This post is brill! Thanks for being on the #DreamTeam

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