How can you trust a man when you've had previous horrible relationships? - Ruth


One of my first bosses was a horrible, horrible man. He was 'playfully' misongynistic, casually racist and what I found worse at the time, almost never did any work. He was a walking embodiment of the patriachy, having secured his senior role on the golf course, he distracted from his lack of ability by belittling his subordinates, always younger, most often female. It was a common occurrence to find a woman crying in the loos before lunch; we all accepted him as something to endure rather than overcome. I didn't think I had a choice but to accept him because there were bills to pay and happy hours to frequent and although he made me miserable, I thought I could do little but work hard until I had enough experience to move on to another job. And that's what I did, even though my first experience of being an employee was tortuous, I found another job because the benefits of working (being able to pay rent) outweighed the risks of working under another monster. The same is true for relationships, after a brush with evil it can be tempting to stay away from the dating game entirely but then you may miss out on all of the delicious perks of being in a couple (less bin emptying, night time foot warmer). The key is not in trusting men but trusting yourself, know that with your updated romance CV you will find better partners and opt out of relationships that don't meet your criteria. Remind yourself...

More experience means better positions. With all your life and love experience you will have more to offer a partner and that means you will attract similarly equipped men. Make clear to anyone you what you value in life, a good match will be excited to meet you where you are; don't accept a contract with anyone who dismisses your needs or doesn't understand your goals.  

Ask questions at the interview. We all know a first date is an interview. I refer to my first meeting with a guy as a pre-date. Usually I opt for coffee or a drink, something lasting less than an hour. This is my time to assess their presentation skills, get a quick overview of their relationship history and ensure there is no ick factor. Should a potential partner succeed at this stage they can progress to the cinema or maybe even dinner. Don't wait to be chosen, you get to be the picker. 

There's always a probation period. Films and fairy tales have made us think that the only way to find love is to throw caution to the wind but real life doesn't always have a happy ending and it really irritates me that some people give more thought to their electricity supplier than the people they let into their life. Use the first few weeks of a courtship to assess your dates potential for the position and if they don't meet the criteria don't be afraid to cut them loose - you're amazing, there will be plenty of new applicants. 


If you have a question submit to moderatemum@gmail.com



16 comments

  1. It's true that isnt easy to recover from bad experiencies but, we can't give up and, time will help. But you have to believe that it may be diferent next time, a better diferent

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  2. Not all men are created equal. Past relationships with A-HOLES should teach you a lesson that you can hopefully use in your next relationship.

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  3. It's not easy to recover from bad experiences but it's also very hard to come out of an amazing relationship because you will keep comparing others to that one man....

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  4. Reading your post and noticing my single friends makes me grateful that I found my partner in my first adult relationship. I am happily married to my best friend but you do give great advice for those looking and courtships and jobs are funny in how similar it can be. Great post!

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  5. As a woman, this was a very refreshing read. We don't have to settle, we don't have to "accept it" and we will find the right person. The "me too" movement has helped me understand a lot of the things I believe are normal in a workplace and relationship, really aren't acceptable.

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  6. Really interesting points there. thanks for sharing.

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  7. Relationships definitely can be challenging. I think one can grow from past bad experiences to enhance any future experiences

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  8. Sometimes difficult situations can be hard at the time, but once you overcome the situation it is nice to look back and see how far you've come. You can also learn a lot.

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  9. Like you said, probation period. You'll never know. You'll just need to try, I guess. Nice thing to bring up in a blog post!

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  10. Asking questions during the interview can help save you the headaches later. Good idea to include that information.

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  11. It's hard to trust the person when you have a bad experience from the past. but this is learning tho. Life gives you lesson to improve and never stop trying to find what are you looking for. Love this post!!

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  12. This is such a very insightful post to read. I agree that it is not easy to move on if you have bad experience from your past relationship but you have to choose whether you stick with that feeling or move on and continue your life.

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  13. This is such a post that everyone can relate, it is really hard to move on. It takes time. but time will heal.

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  14. I hope someday i would be much ok. the feeling of a whole person like i was before. but now it is really hard but im still willing to wait when it comes.

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  15. This is such a very insightful post to read. Agreed with you on all of these things. But its life and life shows every type of experience.

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  16. What a pretty nice post i agreed with all of it. I life we experience all of the things that unexpected

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